The writing prompt for today’s blog seemed like an interesting one so I decided to use it as a jumping off point.
The prompt given was “If you could relive one moment in your life, what would it be and why?”
For me, there are many moments in time I can now tell changed things on a larger scale than I could have ever imagined. To be a dork for a second, it’s very much like a episode of Doctor Who entitled “Turn Left” in which the protagonist discovers the fate of the universe was completely altered one day when she decided to talk a left turn instead of a right turn while driving. In that same vane, it was the smallest moments that have made the most difference for me. As per usual, the significance of these moments went by almost unnoticed until much later with lots of reflection. At the time I did what my heart told me to do given the information I had at the time.
My biggest issues have always been relating to sacrificing my own comfort for the sake of appeasing others. I’ll put myself second in order to try to maintain relationships because I, foolishly thought, if I didn’t do things correctly people wouldn’t be friends with me. It has taken way too long for me to realize some people don’t deserve my friendship. There are, unfortunately, some people who will use good people because of interpersonal issues they have. There’s nothing wrong with me and it’s nothing I can change, so the healthiest thing is to keep my distance. Can you tell I’m been a series of unhealthy relationships?
I think the past year or so has given me a distance from some of my more recent trauma to more clearly examine some of the warning signs in order to prevent similar things happening in the future. I’m a person who has been systematically abused by friends, educators, people in positions of authority, and family members which wore me down for so long. It’s only since reclaiming my power by embracing authenticity have things changed for me. So my answer to this prompt is one I’ve recently been promoting to some of my younger friends.
Boundaries are healthy. If someone feels your boundary is restricting their behavior, especially towards you, it’s because they most likely have been violating your boundaries all along.
The moment itself is burned in my memories, but the edges have become softer with time. Like most burns, after time the pain lessens and there may remain a scar in the place of the trauma. The scar in my mind is the voice trapped in my throat wanting to say “No. I don’t deserve to be treated this way.” That moment in time has long since past with the other participants most likely not even remembering it. The significance however is not lost on me in those frozen moments. Since I was unable to use my voice then, I choose to use my voice now to help those who have trouble speaking for themselves. No one should have to go through what I went through and no one should be treated so poorly in their own home. I think home should be a safe haven from the rocky outside world.
Would anything have really changed back then if I had been able to speak up? Honestly, I highly doubt it. Things would have reached their natural conclusions in time and it’s possible friendships would have been maintained, but I don’t feel those people deserve my friendship for how they treated me. I’ve had someone ask me how one of the parties is and truthfully I haven’t spoken to them in over a year. It’s sad when people you thought you’d always be friends with are no longer part of your life, but there is a plus side. It does make room in your life and your heart for those who do care about you.